Gopher Antics
by CourageEditor
Summary: When gophers aren't tame...better beware! (please read and review)
1. Chicken Eggs & A Popcorn Bag

Eustace is outside in the chicken coop retrieving the newly hatched  
  
chicken eggs. He counts them and puts them in a burlap sack. He  
  
walks towards the farm house.   
  
"Nineteen eggs!" hollers Eustace.  
  
" That's enough eggs to make me a good profit!"   
  
Courage runs up to Eustace and babbles about the new dog bone he got. Eustace  
  
could care less, and smacks Courage in the face with the burlap  
  
sack.   
  
"Now look what you made me do you stupid dog!"   
  
Courage shakes in fear jumps up and down trying to explain.   
  
" My eggs! there all crushed ! I'll crush you too you dumb dog!"   
  
Courage shrieks and runs into the farm house. Eustace chuckles   
  
"That dumb dog always thinks I'm out to get em'!"  
  
Courage runs into the house and goes up to the attic. Digs through  
  
some boxes and finds a sealed box full of bubble bath. He cheers  
  
in excitement and rushes into the bathroom to take bath.  
  
Eustace opens the door   
  
" Muriel, where the heck are ya?"   
  
Eustace opens the closet door and puts his coat on a metal hanger. He slams  
  
the door and it falls off of the hinges.   
  
"Bah! Once I finish doing somethin' there is always more  
  
work to get started on!"  
  
Muriel who is still asleep in bed awakes from the sound  
  
of the door slam and slowly walks down the steps yawing  
  
and stretching. Eustace hides under the sofa as Muriel approaches  
  
the living room.  
  
Muriel: When will that man stop pulling the doors off the hinges!  
  
Eustace cunningly climbs out from under the sofa and grabs Muriel's legs.  
  
Muriel: Ahhhh! Save me Courage! Oh my! It's the boogie man!  
  
Eustace laughs hysterically and rolls on the floor.  
  
Muriel: Eustace! That was very cheeky! Don't let me ever catch you  
  
scaring me to death again!  
  
Eustace: You looked like a frightened baboon!  
  
Muriel: I know your a baboon Eustace, it runs in your genetics.  
  
Muriel walks into the kitchen to start making corn casserole and chicken noodle soup. Muriel looks through her big blue recipe book for corn casserole. Muriel opens the pantry cabinet and finds a giant gopher attempting to gnaw at her face. Muriel screams and hits it with the recipe book. Muriel scrambles  
  
through drawers trying to find a lock. Panicking she tosses utensils all over the floor. She finds a lock and locks the gopher in the cabinet. Muriel slumps over leaning against the fridge gasping for air. Eustace calmly walks into the kitchen, staring at the atrocious mess pondering what caused the destruction.   
  
Eustace: " Muriel whatever happened here I don't care! Clean it up!" "Finish my lunch I'm starving!"   
  
Eustace slams the door and it falls off the hinges.  
  
An hour later everyone is at the table eating lunch. Courage passes  
  
the corn casserole to Muriel and smiles.   
  
Muriel: "Oh Courage you look so clean! What a cute dear ya are!"  
  
Eustace: "Stop complementing and start passing the food already!"  
  
Muriel: "Wait your turn, you know the order of passing food!"  
  
Eustace: "Yeah what's the point of it!"  
  
Muriel naively throws a spoonful of potatoes at Eustace's face  
  
and chuckles.  
  
Muriel: Well I'm just about full now, want to go see an old movie   
  
Courage?  
  
Courage: Hurray! I love old flicks!  
  
Muriel and Courage get into Eustace's truck and  
  
drive away to the Nowhere Theater. Eustace gets  
  
up out of his chair with potatoes still smeared on  
  
his face and runs stumbling towards them trying to stop the truck.  
  
Eustace runs out to the road in front of the house.  
  
Eustace: Get out of me' truck! I didn't say you could  
  
drive it you stupid dog!  
  
Muriel and Courage can't hear him since they have driven  
  
far away from the house. Just then a car passes by and runs  
  
Eustace over. The driver slams on the brakes. He yells out...  
  
" Watch where your standing you fool!"   
  
... and drives away.  
  
Eustace: Idiotic young drivers, they'll drive  
  
over us (senior citizens) until we become extinct!  
  
Eustace walks back toward the house stumbling from being  
  
crushed by the car. Eustace finally arrives at the front door   
  
after a difficult staggering to get there. He sits on the steps  
  
waiting for Muriel to return and make dinner, he gets drowsy  
  
and falls asleep in a sitting position.  
  
Muriel and Courage are getting into the truck and are reminiscing about  
  
the three hour long movie they have seen. Courage eats the last handful  
  
of popcorn and throws the bag out of the window. Muriel starts up the  
  
truck and talks about the movie...  
  
Muriel: I never knew kangaroos invented the credit card, I  
  
always though it was Lucille Ball.  
  
Courage rolls his eyes and shakes his head to Muriel's  
  
stupidity. He laughs and thinks up a stupid answer.  
  
Courage: Well, I guess that's why everyone loves Lucy.  
  
Muriel: Eustace would of loved that movie he used to  
  
love to watch old monochrome kangaroo flicks.  
  
A police siren approaches behind them and signals Muriel  
  
to pull the truck over.  
  
Courage: What did we do now!?  
  
Policeman: Miss Bagge will you please step  
  
out of the car.  
  
Muriel: What's wrong officer?  
  
Policeman: You seem to have thrown  
  
this popcorn bag out the window.  
  
Muriel: Oh what a lovely bag!  
  
Policeman: I know, why would you  
  
want to litter such a lovely bag?  
  
Muriel: But I don't even remember  
  
throwing it out...I think.  
  
Policeman: Well in that case I'll just  
  
use it as a hat.  
  
The policeman places the popcorn bag on his head,  
  
enters his police car and drives away singing .   
  
Muriel: "Isn't that lovely, he has such a vivid imagination!"  
  
Courage: "Well that's the last time I'll throw my popcorn  
  
bag out the window!"  
  
Muriel and Courage continue on down the highway  
  
for about seven miles before they reach their residence.  
  
Its dark when they arrive and Courage pulls a flashlight  
  
out of his pocket. Muriel and Courage get out of the truck  
  
and start walking toward the house.  
  
Muriel: "Its so dark! I can't see! Can you be a dear and hand me  
  
your flashlight Courage."  
  
Courage hands the flashlight to Muriel and she shines it on Eustace fast  
  
asleep on the porch steps. Muriel kicks Eustace and wakes him up.  
  
Muriel: Eustace! What are you doing out here! Its ten bellow zero! If  
  
your going to sleep outside at least wear a coat!  
  
Eustace: There's no law saying where I have to sleep! Let me be!  
  
Eustace falls back to sleep. Courage drags Eustace in the house, while  
  
Muriel opens the door. Courage lays Eustace on his red chair. Muriel  
  
turns on the lights and three repulsive red eyed gophers stare at  
  
the three of them ready to feast licking their lips anxiously.   
  
Paul : "I want the plump one! She'll satisfy my stomach for at least five days!"  
  
Muriel: "Your not going to lay your palms on me!"  
  
Claire: " I want the little doggie, he looks so sweet... and appetizing!  
  
Courage: (howls out) Whoooooooo! 


	2. Tight Window Spaces

Claire grasps Eustace by his shirt and chews on him tosses him  
  
around like a rag doll. Eustace yells out trying to free himself  
  
from her. She pounds him into the floor, chews  
  
on his scalp, and then bites his shoe holding a tight clutch.  
  
Claire: " Your so oblivious, you didn't see me coming!"  
  
Eustace: " Let go of me you stupid overgrown gerbil!"  
  
Claire: " You want me to eat you earlier you ask?"  
  
Muriel: "Eustace, your making her angrier!"  
  
Eustace: " Blah Blah Blah!"  
  
Claire then looks behind her looking  
  
for Paul and Percy. Darting her creepy red eyes  
  
back and forth like a kit cat clock.  
  
Claire: "Where are you two? You guys always  
  
get yourselves lost! Well... now its time for  
  
take this food takeout!."  
  
Courage trys to jump on top of the Claire  
  
in an attempt to stop her. He misses and  
  
falls on the television. Courage moans from  
  
the pain of the sharp cornered box.  
  
Muriel: " Courage are ya hurt?"  
  
Suddenly the gopher jumps out the closed  
  
window in a loud smash dragging Eustace  
  
behind her. courage jumps through the window barely  
  
fitting through, Muriel unwisely tries to go though.  
  
Muriel: "Help! Courage I'm just a wee to small to get though!"  
  
Courage stares at Muriel confused on how to get her freed from  
  
the confining space. He looks behind him as the gopher carries  
  
Eustace farther and farther away into the bare endless field horizon .  
  
He runs into the barn and grabs Eustace's sledgehammer. He runs  
  
back to Muriel as fast as he can run.   
  
Courage: "Muriel, get ready I'm gonna swing!"  
  
Muriel covers her eyes, worrying the hammer will hit  
  
her instead of the window. Courage takes a hard swing  
  
and the hammer misses, swinging it into the door.  
  
Muriel: (disgusted) "Can't you boys stop knocking the doors down!"  
  
Courage giggles and prepares to swing again. He lifts the 30b hammer up  
  
once again and swings. He shatters the glass and Muriel tumbles down to   
  
the ground. With a loud thud Muriel lands, hitting her head and her glasses  
  
fly off her face. Muriel mumbles insanely.  
  
"Captain could ya please land the copter a little softer next time!?"  
  
Courage runs out to the barn before noticing Muriel's glasses are misplaced.   
  
He finds Eustace's old tractor and gets on it. He plans to chase after Paul the  
  
gopher. Courage ponders for a moment why Eustace never uses the machine  
  
anymore, then pushes on the pedal fiercely to try to catch up to the speedy  
  
rodent. Courage quickly disappears out of sight, getting closer to Eustace.  
  
Muriel: "Courage! Have you seen my specs?"  
  
Muriel squints her eyes barely being able to see without her glasses. She  
  
steps on a tumbleweed and picks it up.  
  
Muriel: "Oh! There you are Courage! Lets have a cup of tea before we go after  
  
the gopher."  
  
Muriel tries finding the front door but she keeps walking into the side of the house.  
  
Muriel: " Where are those glasses, they have to be here somewhere! Courage can  
  
you help me?"  
  
Muriel gets on her knees and feels around for her glasses. Suddenly she feels something grab her leg and something else grab her other leg. Percy and Paul drag Muriel back into the farmhouse arguing  
  
who will get the first opportunity to eat her.  
  
Muriel: "Courage what are you doing dog!?"  
  
Percy: " Were..eh..I mean I'm going to make  
  
you some tea.  
  
Muriel: "Oh what a pleasant surprise!"  
  
Percy and Paul laugh and as they tie Muriel up on  
  
the couch. Paul ties the last knot with a hard tug.  
  
Muriel squirms trying to get out of the ropes.  
  
Muriel: Hey! Your not my Courage! Your...  
  
Percy pulls a big piece of duct tape over Muriel's  
  
mouth before she can finish .She panics and   
  
hollers. Kicking Paul in the head with her boots.  
  
Percy: "That tape ought to keep her quite for awhile!"  
  
Paul: "Yeah until we eat her!"  
  
Paul and Percy run upstairs to the bathroom.  
  
They snoop around looking at things. Paul  
  
looks at the toilet.  
  
Paul: "I always wondered what humans used this for."  
  
Percy: "Looks like a bathtub to me!"  
  
Percy and Paul walk into the bedroom. Percy  
  
starts to jump on the bed. Paul opens Muriel's  
  
chest of drawers and tries on a pink sequent dress.  
  
Paul: " Ooooh yeah! Claire would love this!"  
  
Percy: "She doesn't look good in pink! C'mon  
  
lets go eat the old lady, I'm HUNGRY!" 


	3. Adjusting The Oven

Paul and Percy hurry down the stairs to devour Muriel. Percy picks up  
  
Muriel and carries her into the kitchen. Paul looks at the oven trying to  
  
determine on how to use it. Percy throws Muriel into the oven.  
  
Paul "How do you use this contraption?"   
  
Percy "Don't ask me! I'm not a human being!"  
  
Paul " Well you want to cook her don't you!"  
  
Percy "Well if your so determined Paul why don't  
  
you figure it out!"  
  
Paul "I have no clue where to start!"  
  
Percy "Staring at me won't suggest any ideas!"  
  
Paul pushes the clock button , then tries the oven light  
  
button, then turns the knob to 400 degrees.  
  
Percy "Now we're cooking!"  
  
Paul "What's to drink?"  
  
Percy " I dunno, look around stupid!"  
  
Meanwhile Courage is fighting with Claire in  
  
her underground gopher lair. Eustace is tied  
  
up to a gas stove pipe. Claire and Courage  
  
are dueling with swords.  
  
Claire "Don't try winning dog! I'm state champ swordfighter!"  
  
Courage "Over my dead mutt body!"  
  
Courage strikes at Claire's forehead knocking her off balance.  
  
She almost collapses but gets back into a fighting stance rapidly.  
  
Claire strikes at Courage's leg. Courage yells in pain but remains  
  
strong and continues fighting. Claire pulls a second sword out of  
  
nowhere. Courage gasps wondering how he will outsmart her.  
  
Claire " Well little doggie, they always say two is better than one!"  
  
Claire spins the two swords as if they were two shiny batons in a   
  
parade. Courage gasps again and runs into a room.   
  
Courage: "Ahhhhh!"   
  
Claire runs after him spinning her swords violently. She kicks on  
  
the door of where Courage is hiding.   
  
Claire "This isn't a game! Your my dinner! Get out now!"  
  
Furiously she cuts the door in half with her swords.  
  
In rage she lifts her sword above her head ready to slice  
  
Courage in a fierce rage. But Courage is not behind the door, he is hiding.   
  
Courage shakes as if the end is approaching any second. She  
  
finds him hiding behind a stack of logs. Claire gets ready to  
  
pounce and eat the dinner she has worked so hard for. She  
  
catapults herself into air.  
  
Claire (low & evil tone) "Dinner time!"  
  
Just then Courage smacks her out of the way with a  
  
burlap sack and she soars into the hard underground wall,  
  
with a loud smack breaking her teeth. She lays on the  
  
floor unconscious.   
  
Courage "Do I have to untie the farmer now? Nah!"   
  
Courage carries Eustace outside of the gopher hole and  
  
looks around for the blue tractor.  
  
Courage "I know I parked it right here!"  
  
Eustace pulls the tape off of his mouth that was  
  
applied by Claire.  
  
Eustace: "The parking brake on the tractor doesn't  
  
work you stupid dog! I'll have to kick your rear  
  
the whole way home!"  
  
Courage looks at the ground and notices tires tracks  
  
going off the edge of a cliff, likely of having smashed   
  
the tractor to smithereens. Courage drops Eustace and   
  
runs back toward the house. Eustace's face glows red   
  
with anger and Courage's face white with fright. The   
  
two race back toward the house in a frenzy chase.  
  
Eustace "Slow down dog! You know of my condition!"  
  
Courage "I just hope Muriel's ok! Well...we know Eustace   
  
never is! (laughs)  
  
Percy: "Its been about one hour Paul, I don't  
  
smell no old lady cooking. Go check it"  
  
Paul walks out of the living room and opens the  
  
oven door but Muriel is not there. He runs back  
  
and forth opening drawers, he looks in the fridge, under the  
  
sink, and out the windows for her.  
  
Percy: "What's going on in there! Do you need   
  
help?"  
  
Paul: "No, I'm just getting the table ready!"  
  
Percy: "Good, I'm so hungry I'm willing to  
  
eat anything now."  
  
Percy turns on Eustace's television and  
  
watches The Benton Tarantella Show.  
  
Eustace and Courage bust through the  
  
front door. Courage excitedly cheers out with  
  
a smile on his face.  
  
Courage: "Muriel! I'm home!"   
  
Courage then glances over at Percy on  
  
the couch. His jaw literally drops to  
  
the floor and his eyes roll like casino  
  
roulette wheels.  
  
Eustace "Who the heck are you!"  
  
Percy "I'm Percy the gopher, I'll  
  
be eating you, your wife, and  
  
your dog for dinner!"  
  
Eustace: "What's gonna make  
  
me surrender to you! Make me!"  
  
Courage growls at the gopher  
  
and hits him with his dog bone.  
  
Percy falls on the floor. Courage  
  
takes the rope Eustace was tied  
  
up in and ties up Percy with it.  
  
He throws him down the cellar  
  
steps and pushes the red chair  
  
against the basement door. Courage sighs relief  
  
as evil is laded to rest. Eustace  
  
and Courage proceed into the kitchen  
  
expecting Muriel to be cooking.  
  
Eustace: "Hey you! Where'd the  
  
lady get to?  
  
Paul: I've been looking for her. She  
  
has appeared to have escaped. Well  
  
I guess I've have to eat you two then!  
  
Courage & Eustace: "Ahhhh!" 


	4. Mailman,Down In The Basement,Eustace Ins...

Courage darts out of the room looking for something to  
  
capture the gopher in. Eustace runs upstairs and hides  
  
in his bed. Courage runs upstairs to the attic and  
  
finds the empty cardboard shampoo box. He runs  
  
back down stairs to capture Paul.  
  
Paul "Mmmm...your next on the menu little dog"  
  
Courage "Not if I can help it!"  
  
Courage throws the gopher into the box and seals  
  
it shut with packaging tape. Paul gnaws at the box   
  
trying to chew his way out. Courage looks out the  
  
window and sees the mailman delivering mail.  
  
Courage runs fast outside to catch the mailman  
  
before he drives away. He hands him the package.  
  
Mailman: "I'm sorry boy but you need a stamp  
  
on this package!"  
  
Courage: "Can't you just get rid of it! You  
  
could give it as a present!"  
  
Mailman: "I know the perfect lady, she would  
  
love this... Miss Bagge!  
  
Courage: "No! She hates gifts! Give it to  
  
Mr. Le Quack."  
  
Mailman: "Why would you want to give that miserable  
  
creature a gift!"  
  
Courage: "Oh trust me this kind of gift is right up  
  
his alley! Its very alive and interactive!"  
  
Courage hears Muriel yell from within the farmhouse.  
  
Courage throws the package at the mailman.  
  
Courage: "I gotta go! Thanks Mr. Mailman!  
  
Muriel: "Courage! Come quickly!"  
  
Courage "I'm coming as fast as I can!"  
  
Courage runs into the house and looks around  
  
franticly for Muriel. He doesn't see her anywhere.  
  
Muriel: "Courage! Come quick!"  
  
Courage runs right through the basement door. .  
  
Muriel: (angrily) "Have you ever seen a family who  
  
constantly knocks doors off their hinges!"  
  
Percy: "No but I have seen a rabbit who could lift  
  
one hundred and fifty pounds in one sitting!  
  
Muriel: "Oh really, how fascinating! I never knew a   
  
rabbit could be so strong!"  
  
Percy " I work out!"  
  
Muriel: "Aren't ya a cute strong gopher! I always try to  
  
get Eustace to exercise but he is too  
  
stubborn to do anything!  
  
Courage: "Why are you so calm Muriel? Percy is going  
  
to eat you!"  
  
Muriel: "Oh you silly dog! Percy and I signed a peace treaty. He can live in  
  
the chicken coop and we can serve him food instead of him eating us!"  
  
Percy: "I would hate to burden your family any longer with putting up with us gophers,  
  
so I have decided to depart.  
  
Muriel: "Awww you don't have to, stay if you like."  
  
Percy: "My family will want me back, bye Muriel, Courage!  
  
Courage and Muriel wave goodbye as Percy disappears over the  
  
horizon. Muriel and Courage walk back in the house.  
  
Muriel: "I wonder where Eustace got to, I better go upstairs to check."  
  
Eustace (whose still hiding in bed) acts suspicious and paranoid. He is shaking  
  
and looks constantly back and forth for whatever he sees looks like a gopher.  
  
He sees Muriel and is ready to attack her.  
  
Eustace: "I got you this time you stupid hungry gopher!"  
  
Muriel storms over to the window closer to where Eustace is laying.  
  
Muriel: "Don't you use that tone with me Eustace Bagge!"  
  
Eustace "Would you like some water ?"  
  
Muriel: "Oh...yes, some water would be lovely!"  
  
Eustace pulls out a fireman hose and sprays Muriel,  
  
with it's force it pushes her out the bedroom  
  
window breaking it with a crash.. Muriel falls to the   
  
ground, Courage runs outside by her side. Courage  
  
laughs hectically pointing as Muriel lays on the ground.   
  
Muriel "EUSTACE! YOU'LL FIX THAT WINDOW, FIX THE ONE   
  
I BROKE EARLIER TODAY , AND PUT ALL OF THE DOORS BACK ON THEIR HINGES   
  
IMMEDIATELY!"  
  
******THE END******  
  
DEDICATED TO LIONEL WILSON " THE ORIGINAL VOICE OF EUSTACE " 


End file.
